Oh the lives we lead when we don't know where we're going...

Trying to come up with a clever title for this blog, this is all that came to my mind. And I'm an Ag Communication major, I should be creative, but alas, that is a skill that is coming over time and practice. I don't ever remember being this emotional when I was at home, but I have been a little more tranquil over this past week. I have a lot of saudades (Portuguese word that can't be translated with the same sentiment, but roughly a strong nostalgia and feeling of incompleteness) for home, a place that I remember affectionately calling "Hell" only 5 years ago... It is so strange the cycles that you go through in your life. For 3 years all I could dream about was coming to Brazil, what would it be like to live there, to study, to see the sites, to meet the people. And after a lot of time and a lot of hard work, I am finally here, doing the things I dreamed about for so long. Everything is great, yes, but as I have lived and learned I have become more realistic about life. The place that I was so infatuatingly in love with has A LOT of problems. Nothing against Brazilians, that is what makes it so sad and disheartening to me. Brazilians are a great people, who haven't been given the opportunities to succeed. There is so much corruption in politics, especially the government and non-governmental organizations (NGO's, who are supposed to be here to help the people). They have a beautiful, rich culture, which parts have been suppressed because so much of it has 'primitive, barbaric' African or native roots. Please don't get me wrong, I don't regret being here at all, I'm just a lot more realistic now than when I first decided to come here. I know part of why I came to Brazil was to learn about myself, but I'm still not sure what it is I am supposed to be learning about or to better myself. Maybe just how important my friends and family (including future) are to me, and how I need to be realistic about life without losing all of my romance for it. Straight realism makes people old & bitter, and I don't need to be a bitter old woman at 22! (even though I already have the gray hair!!) This weekend I went with my sister Tianna and her boyfriend to Ilha dos Frades, and island about 2 hours offshore from Salvador. It was a small, pretty deserted island, with only 60 inhabitants that actually live on the island. Only one stretch of the beach had bars (barracas) on it, and the rest of the island was just natural with forest and beaches. It was absolutely beautiful there. Looking out over the ocean on the boat while it was raining, watching the sunset on the open water, the beauty of the rock formations. We spent the night with some friends of theirs at a large beach house (older so kinda ghetto, but fine), and I slept in a hammock on the porch. There was 10 of us total, so there was always people around unless I walked off by myself and started reading. I was being kind of anti-social because I had planned to spend the weekend by myself at Praia do Forte (because my family was being flaky about making plans, as usual). The people were nice, but when I see other people interacting it makes me miss my boyfriend, my friends, my family. I didn't realize by living by myself how much I enjoyed being by myself until I came here and was constantly surrounded by my family being in my face all the time. But at home when I want to spend time with people, I just call up my friends and family. I miss the relationships that I already have at home. I am making new relationships with people here, but mostly another girl in the program (Sarah) and my family. I talk to other Brazilian students, but I don't really have a lot in common with a lot of people here. It's fine, don't think I'm complaining, but I'm just trying to be honest with everyone. On Wednesday I am going with the program to a play called "Everyone has Sexual Problems" (I have no clue what it is about and why they are taking us, but I'll update you after I find out!!) and dinner. Hopefully it happens this Wednesday, but Sarah and I are supposed to go to this school in a really poor neighborhood and teach an English class to a group of 6-year olds. I guess in this neighborhood there is a lot of problems with drug trafficking and violence, so the school tries to keep the kids involved in activities to keep them off the streets and out of their homes (I guess there's a lot of domestic violence in the poor areas too). Our date has already got moved once, so I'm not for sure it will be this Wednesday, but regardless of when it is I am excited to go and work with the kids. Also, on Thursday morning with my Portuguese class I am going to a Terrerio (a center of worship for Afro-Brazilian relgions)! I am very excited because afro-brazilian religions are a very big part of the culture here, and we haven't really learned a lot about them (nothing in class, just the part that is pop-culture). I think I'm going to get off of this rambling, nonsense session. I hope next time I return to this blog, I can articulate my thoughts a little better so you guys can understand what I'm talking about. When I read it I am confused, so I'm sure someone who doesn't know what I'm talking about is even more confused! Will also update you about the eventful week! Take care, everyone, of you and yours! Beijos! <3 Becki <3